Again! ..... *sigh*

Feels a lot like going round in circles…


Not sure where to end… Hell not sure where I started.

There is this need… this want… this essential I cant seem to fill and so I bring out the bottle of wine and ask an old friend to come join me. I feel another carpet night coming close and ever so easily decide to help it along before it actually happens and I find myself thrown there while I try to run the pretence show a bit longer. So I slip down and rest there – its gonna happen anyway *sigh*

I peer out the window from down here and wonder if the old friend has shown up yet. See, when all the normal does what it tends to do at times and lets me down, this old friend is always there to help ease the pain and the over whelming lighted headed feeling that accompanies these moments. Why does it have to come to these times? Is it a sign of a flaw in this thing I’m tryna do? Is it possible that regardless of all believe, this is actually not something that I should do or that should even happen? Tell me: why do I have to find me here so damn often?

Knock on the door…. Habit is here!

I find the last bit of strength left and open the door to him. It feels good to have him here… he thinks my jokes are funny…

“habit…” I call out while sitting on the carpet in the dark and the slight noise of the dimed tv images playing in the background ….

“yes…” he answers…

“ummmm…” I continue, “I have so much things that I don’t tell you. There is so much I wish I could tell you but im afraid of what you will say. Why is it though that you never demand answers when I call on you when im at this place? Why is it that you don’t think im pathetic and rediculouse for still slipping to this place even after so long?...”

“would you like for me to refill your glass?” habit asks without fliching at the list of heavy questions I just asked.

Honestly, things do tend to feel a whole lot better with the glass full, “yes please…”, I whisper not wanting to sound…

I have a problem, I silently think, I have this habit which is not really good yet find the most refreshing comfort from it when things are like this. Habit is there. Habit listens and habit never requires an answer or demand a reason for how things got to this place… AGAIN. He is here… always. He does not think I’m ridiculous for having made carpet moments normal. He supports it. Habit is forbidden though but damit he is here always!

You… you are so wrapped up in your world that you miss my pleadings for help. Yes, it has become way more then a discreet asking… I’m pleading and you cant even see it… so don’t you judge me for Habit…

“would you like another refill…” habit asks while letting me lie in his arms for a while!