Girl on the fence

We have always been told that this is how the order of things goes and we should not rock the boat but comply.

That’s all good and well with things that make sense but as it goes with me - like the other millions of things in my head, I cant help but question this and wonder of my sanity for even wanting to change it.

A girl SHOULD wanna get married and she SHOULD have it in her to take care of the man she loves and help him build a warm home for the both of them. Sure, this girl also does have the choice to remain single and focus on other things and gone are the times when society would frown upon such a decision. What happens though when this said girl simply wants to love her man and skip the whole taking care of him part?

See, here I refer to a girl who although being capable of doing the caring thing, wishes she could rather skip it. Reasons? Fear I suppose. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the women she has to turn out to be when looking at the perfect patrial her mother has set. Why could it not be that girl love her man but stay at her own place and take care of herself ONLY?

Its an awkward place to be yes since all around her all the other girls are doing just what is expected of them. They get married. They bare children. They pine away if not married with anticipation and hope. They firmly stand by the choice to leave it all behind and handle it with simple grace. And then there is this girl that is sitting on the fence – quite comfortably too if I may add. Fence though starts to poke at here when the stares and frowns make her shift around uncomfortably realizing that she has to make a choice that she will have to stick with for a life time: love her man AND take care of him OR leave it all behind and run at it alone forever.

Imagine the looks when girl gets off the fence….

In under tones they whisper and point wondering why she has decided on that side of the fence. It becomes the talk of the town and there is such an unnecessary vibe around the side of the fence girl is walking around on. What happens next shocks the masses the most…

Girl climbs back on the fence and sits…

(see girl needed a glass of water and she got down to go get. As to the side of the fence she decided to jump into to get the water – well that was all depending on which side she was facing when she got extremely thirsty…)

The crazy hype that just happens goes on to prove my point and make my resolve super difficult - We have always been told that this is how the order of things goes and we should not rock the boat but comply.

All I can do at this point is fight hard the urge to rock the damn boat and hope everyone else holds on really tight!

Realizations done and appriciation grows!

There would always be a certain bad boy flair about him that made me sit up and stay interested. He would be the type to push boundaries and although he wasn’t at a level to be written off as bad-a$$ yet, he would have that slightly rude thing about him and could tell it off while remaining calm.

“its exciting” I would shout at my brain when it protested.

“live a little” I would plead with it and while it carried on to fight and resist this as much as it could, my heart and I were doing love dances all over and would so many times be left gasping for what would come next to take us on this high we had become addicted to.

This would be the one major characteristic about the guys I would date. “anything else would be a bore” I would defend.

“besides, he is not all bad...” I would continue while hiding the other incident where this particular one through risk out the window when he decided to kiss me while driving at speeds over 100 km/h one evening.

Yep, this is the type that I would be attracted to. It was the rush of not being ruled by rules that I loved most and the tendency to question them was a direction I would be heading in. “this is my true calling...” I through at my mind during another heated attempt to get me to see reason!

Until it all changed one day when finally after the hundredth time, I failed to find the strength to stand up after this type had thrown me to the floor AGAIN and didn’t even care to stop and see if I was ok.

“its exciting remember?” my mind mocked while sending out reinforcements to mop up the mess that this type had left.

For the longest time, I failed to understand this. How is it that after all that I had given this type, it never stopped to see if I was ok? Why was it that I finally hit rock bottom with no ability to dust myself off and get back on to this rollercoaster I had come to love and feed off?  I had it all planned out and yet at that very moment, I sat in a pile on the floor unable to piece it all together as to where it went wrong.

Out of pity, I assume, my brain came to sit and keep me company while I sat, lost in why’s maybe’s and other themes to my pity parties.

“allow me to explain this”, my brain started in a grown up serious tone, “there comes a time in a person’s life, when the real things in life become recognised. To some, it comes quickly and simply, yet for others, such as yourself, lessons need to be learned and realizations have to be made...”

The conversation carried on for days, only stopping to refuel. My mind seemed mature and grown. It made points that made things make sense. It allowed for questions and comforted me at times when the realizations came hard and fast yet it never judged me for the roads taken or choices made.

Many many many days later, this is the truth that my mind (through the strongest type of divine intervention, I believe) has helped me realize:

In the quest to find and define ourselves, we fall prey to what SEEMS like the type that we should become. We etch it deep in our minds and even go as far as fighting off any kind of different reasons that may threaten this. Yet, after all has been said and done, its the same things that we all strive for. We all want to be loved and taken care of. We all want security and comfort when things get bad. As exciting as it may seem to live on the edge sometimes, that it NOT the type of thing that builds futures and brings off well meaning and stable people. it keeps things good yes, great even, but if its a type that does not give in return  or is still on a quest to fulfil its own needs at whatever the cost, then maybe its not the TYPE I should be hanging out with. Having gone through this does not make me a failure. No! It instead makes me a better version of myself – an appreciative kind. It makes me real because now, I’m not caught up in some lost sense of myself but rather in a sense that has so much more to give! And when one stumbles upon ummmm not a TYPE but rather an INDIVIDUAL who sees and appreciates this – one should let go of pasts and longings, put on their big, mature and comfortable girl panties and allow for things that may come, to come. Now that to me sounds exciting!

After endless grinnings and all good and fuzzy feelings inside, I pick up my phone and type it in...

“you loving me feels amazing and yes.... I NEED you...”

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*smile*

Ms Independent for protection

It’s the dependence we have in other people that has left so much to be desired. See, as the dependence grew, so did the terrible trend to disappoint. This, loving readers, is not something that came by chance but as a result of lost ways and confused trends.

Everybody – say “HI” to independence!

This tiny reality has been labelled as bad. It has been called terrible names and discussions have been held on why it should be killed. At yet another tired speech of the reasons why it should go, I cant help but wonder how much HE’s impact has been towards keeping it around.

(Please note that ‘HE’ does refer to a guy known to me and this comes from actual recent happenings – if you figure out who you are Mr HE, then congratulations for being an inspiration to yet another post!)

HE carries on passionately describing what independence has done wrong and how HE can fix it. (Mr Fix-it-all I silently add, while shacking my head knowing I can’t be seen).

Independence I believe, steams from the realization that no one can do it better for you then YOU. We come from a place where we women have been taught to wait for the men to bring it home. Wait for the men to give permission. Wait for the men to give us. Wait for the men to proudly afford us the kind of things that we have come to love. While this has worked really well in generations past, our generation at one point was left waiting for way too long when it finally decided to stand up and go get it themselves.

I am a practiser of independence and I can’t help but say that with pride. Careful tho – this does not mean that you should be pulling out your check lists of all the things that are wrong about me based on this statement. I do independence because it is my protection shield.

See, for a while, I did follow the trend (cause personally I do believe our mother’s generation still had the right idea on relations), but it came with the sad realization of just how much things have changed. I have heard the lines and I have seen the betrayal. Gone are the days when your word stayed your word till you saw it through. Nowadays, its all about ‘getting-my-own-at-any-cost’ and sadly it has left a lot to be desired for. And so admitting to the defeat of trying to hold on to a past trend, I join the masses. Not in word, but in deed.

I'm frowned upon tho (mostly by the other HE’s of our generations) and I am taken advantage of sometimes when I let my guard down.

The frowners can’t understand why I just don’t keep my place as a Christian woman. To them I ask: and what do I do in the mean time while I hope and plead HE to get his act together? While I wish that this man will finally provide what I need while I also make a pledge to do so (cause I know I'm willing)? What do I do with my emotions while HE refuses to recognise them and respect them? what do I do with this commitment that I have nurtured for so long for his sake while he picks and chooses who is prettier between me and the lady next to me in line?

The advantage-takers dance around me spinning words they hope will trap me. See, their game plan is to come enjoy the comforts I have built myself and when they have become fattened by them, trample on this heart that I sincerely gave and laugh at the devotion I honestly promised and shared while they were too busy eyeing the next me. To them I say: enjoy is while it lasts because when I do finally catch you out, don’t expect me to be clinging on you like God’s gift. I got here on my own and I most certainly will carry on just the same.

Sure, a better version of HE (called HIM) may be out there and he could be working on gathering enough for both of us to give to me too but until then – my independence continues to bring me joy. The things I own, the relations I keep and more importantly, the spirituality I continue to build are mine and I got them all by myself…
When HIM does come along and does prove to be genuine, then i will gladly hang up my Ms Independent hat and high heels and stick closely to my mom to teach me the ropes only like her generation did it. HIM will have a wife waiting at home for him to give. this wife will do so with a smile and a new tune to sing while she prepares the bacon he brought! (lol)

For now: HE carries on on how he is fully capable of giving and how HE thinks Ms Independent is wild and untamed and uncultured to want to get it herself. And after I have waited so long for him to bring it home and give it, I finally decide to hang up the phone and go get it myself. Seems like HE spent way too much time talking about it and beating his chest on proud talk that he missed all the times that I held out my hands – just waiting for him to give me…. Now I go get it – MYSELF!

Shall we throw HE into the advantage taker’s bin?

how high is your PEDESTAL

…you look down your nose and sneer. You just love the feeling you are getting from this. You call up your buddies and share the news. You add a little spice here and there and laugh on along as you get a sense of elevation from what you have seen while looking down your nose. And then you take it a step further – you point! You show all passer’s by what you are pointing at and tell the news over and over to whoever is willing to listen while you get puffed up with pride and your smile broadens. “I am much better then that” you say out loud to the audience you have pulled. “I said I AM MUCH BETTER THEN THAT” you shout a little louder!

What is it that has you jumping around and smiling – SOMEONE ELSE’S MISERY AND MISTAKE

(this is directed at a certain commenter and the rest of us who need such reminders)

I call this type a pedestaler…

A PEDESTALER, as per my definition, is that person who elevates themselves to a place they believe is higher and go on to point and look down upon those they believe are far worse off then they are.

Granted, it’s a habit that we all at some point have/had developed and even used to feel better about our surroundings but how much of a better person does it REALLY make you?

• You will agree with me that there is something seriously wrong with a person who lacks fellow feeling. Personally, I think it’s even the biggest contributor to the sate of disintegrating human life in these last days. We all seem to have lost a sense of human when we can turn a blind eye to the misery of others. At times we even cause it – knowingly or not. But how normal is it when we capitalize on it and use it to inturn make ourselves feel better. Rumours are sprung from such dark places. We can’t help but tell it to the next person. Where are you on the guilt scale of such behaviour?
• Ok so its true you argue – its not a rumour but truth and granted, a lot of the bad situations could have      been avoided had the individual done this and that and they could have been advised, yet they chose not to listen and hance they found themselves here – it happens to the best of us. so and so did mess up their own marriages and are to blame for an unhappy family life - but how, in all of that, do you find the right or pride to raise your nose and tread on higher?

You jump around at such results and silently think of how this will never happen to you. ”how stupid!” you whisper and “he deserves it!” you judge.

A wise man was inspired to write “Pride is before a fall”. For all you know, you could be walking backwards towards the edge of your pedestal, facing a fall that will land you lower then the individual you dared to judge!

Careful!

It’s a known fact that Satan carries on to look for ways to tempt us at CONVENIENT times. He looks for times when he can tread upon your loyalty and undermine your faith. At times he uses our own traits against us and sadly at times he succeeds. The bible warns “let the one standing be careful that he does not fall”.

I imagine that this would be directed to the times when we are still doing our ‘I'm-better-then-you-dance’. Could pride be the next trait that the devil will use against you?

See, I have seen it happen so many times and yes, I too was a pedestaler at some point in my life until the sad realization of how sad I was knocked me blind (lol – literally). We are so quick to point the finger and judge as per OUR standards. We are so quick to think of how WE would never let this happen to us and wanna be heard about how WE would have handled it. We run along to the next person and insist that WE know much better! And we take it a step further by basking in the glory of ‘so glad it didn’t happen to me’ and let our pedestals grow higher.

Here is a thought or two:

1. With us living in these last days of the last days, can you really afford to be ‘dancing’ on heights way higher then you can afford to fall off.

2. With the love scripture in mind, how do you deal with the news of someone else’s misery? Are you jumping up and down for joy? (just how joyous are you really).

3. Only Jehovah has the ability to see what’s in our hearts. Are the things he finds thereyou’re your heart, your silent judging’s of fellow humans that YOU have concluded are below you?

4. Could it be that the way we are being tempted is by showing a worldly spirit of seeing ourselves as better? While you do your ‘dance’ it just could be to the beat of the tempter! (wow scary thought)

Nothing bad intended… just another musing by GOT.

The box where its all kept.

It’s the damn days when the sun won’t just come out that get to me. It’s the times when I, the girl who seems to have it all planed and knows exactly where and how she wants it, cant for the life of me manage to get a single sentence said or a single word written.


These are the days when my wounds do bleed and the scars start to show again. It seems to me that regardless of how much I pack it up and shove it to the back of a dark closet, some light does still seem to fall on it from time to time. As I peer in again into this livid box, I see traces of where these new habits come from. With that though comes the reminder of a sad yet essential reality…

Girl-On-Top should not be leaning on this shaky wall.

I opened my eyes this morning and I had a plan in mind. Today would be a good day and I would get things done. I somehow managed to fall asleep with the phone near me… ahh reminder of another broken promise comes to mind… the call that was promised but never came. But that will not bother me today… I have a plan remember? Yet as awake time carried on, my plan fell apart and all I was left with was this damn box that seemed to show up again – even when I had made sure it was pushed far back this time!

My day was bad. It all seemed like that box had crept into my handbag this morning or had followed me to work. I messed up things and I lost documents. I had breathless moments and no amount of good music seemed to calm it. A good friend says I should swallow my pride and call in for help. Help? Girl-On-Top does not call in for help! Hell I can help myself… 11am and things carry on down hill. Maybe I should swallow this pride and just do as I was told… grab phone. Write it out. Options. Send… *deep breath* there, I have done it…

One hour later… nothing

Two hours (hold my breath and look at my phone screen)… nothing

Two and a half hours later… no beep…

Wait…. Here it comes… *smile*

I opened up the inbox and this damn box sprung open and I lost all hope of closing it – ever!

This is a box with all my issues laid bare. In this box are stories and events that saw me on my floor after failed wrestlings with attempts to get them sorted. This box is where all the bitterness and anger and “I told you so’s” lie. This is the box that carries lethal combinations of things that got me way near to the edge at one point and for some strange reason – this one sms managed to pull them all out again…

I started this post with hopes that I would lay them bare here. That I would have a go at them here yet at quarter-past-way-past-my-bed-time, I get comfortable on this floor that I had managed to avoid for a very long time. Habit is here too. He brought wine. As he fills my glass - again – I smile at this old friend and start telling him a story of how I at some stage tried to hide him in a box at the back of my closet. He laughs, smiles and asks me questions about this damn wall I tried to lean against.

I guess this means that the issues will have to wait till I have become well acquainted with Habit again. Tonight… tonight I do things differently. I switch off the phone to block the wall that should have come through for me a whole 8 hours ago. I climb into bed with habit and fall asleep in the arms of the demon I know and have secretly come to love too.

“its good to have you around tonight habit…” I whisper as I drift asleep in to a dream with no expectations in the morning…

Could i actually do it?

I have thoughts of quitting my job so I can go be a free spirit… live for the day and do the exact things that make me happy…

Should I? Should I not?

I have this insatiable need to want to feel needed and irreplaceable. I suppose to some degree, we all do. There is just something with knowing that without me, some things will not carry on as they should neither will they ever be the same. There is a certain excitement from knowing that no one can do what I do best as good as I do it and that right there is the fuel to the burning reason why I still find myself sitting here week after week trying to hold it together. But here is a question for you: is it worth it all?

I suppose another culprit that seems to be hanging around unpunished, is the need to want to be in control of my tomorrow. I wanna know how I will afford the rest of my life. I wanna know how I will support my McFlurry addiction and the impulsive decisions to go meet up with my beau when ever, where ever. I don’t want to have to wonder or ask. I don’t wanna have to scrape through and be obsessed about the R20 I'm sure I left in my jean pocket… I wanna be in control of it all. Yet here is another question for you: Is it worth it all?

Regardless of how much my two main reasons make sense and regardless of how much they seem sane enough to hold on to, I still find myself with an even stronger desire to want to quit and go do other carefree things that although not guaranteed to feed my two obsessive reasons but would bring an even bigger amount of joy and satisfaction. So what do I do? Do I throw it all to caution and take the huge leap of faith? And what happens if my faith has dried up and I land with a (painfully) loud thump – head first? What happens if I do go to the scraping and endless ramblings about that damn R20 that was just here (until I remember how the craving of the McFlurry kicked in and I gave in)?

I suppose truth of the matter is: there is no way of knowing how things will turn out regardless of what I do decide to do. There is no sure way of knowing that my obsessive reasons will actually be there long enough for me to carry on holding on to. Truth of the matter comes down to the pen and paper I am puling out to start a long list of pro’s and con’s (just like they forced us to do back in LO – maybe it actually does work) and depending on which side looks most sane, this is the decision I will make of cause pre-faced with a whole lot more consultations with the Grand Provider, the wise parents and the highly esteemed opinion of the beau.