Realizations done and appriciation grows!

There would always be a certain bad boy flair about him that made me sit up and stay interested. He would be the type to push boundaries and although he wasn’t at a level to be written off as bad-a$$ yet, he would have that slightly rude thing about him and could tell it off while remaining calm.

“its exciting” I would shout at my brain when it protested.

“live a little” I would plead with it and while it carried on to fight and resist this as much as it could, my heart and I were doing love dances all over and would so many times be left gasping for what would come next to take us on this high we had become addicted to.

This would be the one major characteristic about the guys I would date. “anything else would be a bore” I would defend.

“besides, he is not all bad...” I would continue while hiding the other incident where this particular one through risk out the window when he decided to kiss me while driving at speeds over 100 km/h one evening.

Yep, this is the type that I would be attracted to. It was the rush of not being ruled by rules that I loved most and the tendency to question them was a direction I would be heading in. “this is my true calling...” I through at my mind during another heated attempt to get me to see reason!

Until it all changed one day when finally after the hundredth time, I failed to find the strength to stand up after this type had thrown me to the floor AGAIN and didn’t even care to stop and see if I was ok.

“its exciting remember?” my mind mocked while sending out reinforcements to mop up the mess that this type had left.

For the longest time, I failed to understand this. How is it that after all that I had given this type, it never stopped to see if I was ok? Why was it that I finally hit rock bottom with no ability to dust myself off and get back on to this rollercoaster I had come to love and feed off?  I had it all planned out and yet at that very moment, I sat in a pile on the floor unable to piece it all together as to where it went wrong.

Out of pity, I assume, my brain came to sit and keep me company while I sat, lost in why’s maybe’s and other themes to my pity parties.

“allow me to explain this”, my brain started in a grown up serious tone, “there comes a time in a person’s life, when the real things in life become recognised. To some, it comes quickly and simply, yet for others, such as yourself, lessons need to be learned and realizations have to be made...”

The conversation carried on for days, only stopping to refuel. My mind seemed mature and grown. It made points that made things make sense. It allowed for questions and comforted me at times when the realizations came hard and fast yet it never judged me for the roads taken or choices made.

Many many many days later, this is the truth that my mind (through the strongest type of divine intervention, I believe) has helped me realize:

In the quest to find and define ourselves, we fall prey to what SEEMS like the type that we should become. We etch it deep in our minds and even go as far as fighting off any kind of different reasons that may threaten this. Yet, after all has been said and done, its the same things that we all strive for. We all want to be loved and taken care of. We all want security and comfort when things get bad. As exciting as it may seem to live on the edge sometimes, that it NOT the type of thing that builds futures and brings off well meaning and stable people. it keeps things good yes, great even, but if its a type that does not give in return  or is still on a quest to fulfil its own needs at whatever the cost, then maybe its not the TYPE I should be hanging out with. Having gone through this does not make me a failure. No! It instead makes me a better version of myself – an appreciative kind. It makes me real because now, I’m not caught up in some lost sense of myself but rather in a sense that has so much more to give! And when one stumbles upon ummmm not a TYPE but rather an INDIVIDUAL who sees and appreciates this – one should let go of pasts and longings, put on their big, mature and comfortable girl panties and allow for things that may come, to come. Now that to me sounds exciting!

After endless grinnings and all good and fuzzy feelings inside, I pick up my phone and type it in...

“you loving me feels amazing and yes.... I NEED you...”

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*smile*

1 year, 4 months and 29 days!

1 year, 4 months and 29 days – that is how long it took this nightmare to finally end. 1 year, 4 months and 29 days – I counted!

I sat at the meetings yesterday and I couldn’t help but feel tears burn my eyes and this need to go curl up in some corner and process all things. I finally calmly stood up and walked out to go have a private talk with the only person who understood what was happening inside of me.

“Its finally over,” I silently whispered, knowing that who that was meant for would hear me.

“it has been a long time coming,” the conversation carried on, and for the next 20 minutes all I could do was stand there in that private space and allow my heart to bubble forth all that it was trying to string up to make up proper sentences. (how grateful I am that this person I was trying to communicate with was a master at reading hearts and putting inaudible and jumbled up sentence together).

This has been a long journey. A journey filled with hard lessons, strengthened relations, many sleepless nights and desperate pleadings to anybody who would bother to take a moment and hear me. I fought and lost many battles during this time and I have watched many walk away from me when they assumed I was too much of a mess for them to handle. I have harboured bitter resentment and even managed to get myself slapped around a couple of times by my inner self when it had finally grown tired of the bundle of mess that I had become.

I let a few go too – a type of lesson that I suppose could only be taught this way. Its amazing how fast this type scatters when things start to fall apart.

I found that inner strength that people in those talk shows usually go on about. My inner strength tho came in the form of two enemies who both pulled at me in different directions and at times all I could do was listen in while they had one of their usual screaming contests. Each claimed that they knew what was best for me. There were times when the ganged up on me tho and times when they screamed at me and threatened me when they too grew tired of this bundle of mess that was Me. Cindy and Habit, I called them.

Lessons came too – hard and fast with power relations forged with a few people in my circle that I call the ESSENTIALS. This is a group of people that took my late night calls. They stayed up and listened to me rumble on and on and at times they spat words hard to hear and truths tough to swallow. I didn’t like them much then but I know they meant well. *thinking of B who made me cry one night* To Ms thing, Lady B and Ms LoydBanks herself – MUCH LOVE and APPRICIATION. Look what all of you have done – *raised wine glass and a bow of respect to each of you*

1 year, 4 months and 29 days is how long it took and its finally done.

I know where I am going. The email I sent this morning tells me so. There are no more tears for this and no more regrets here.

With the last final bow, I finally take this closed chapter and throw it in the huge barn fire that I have made for all the pain, hurt, resentment, hate and tear jerking memories. Its done. Its closed and finally burned from existence.

I take a deep breath, say a final “Thank you” to the person I have been silently speaking to and walk back into the hall to join in on the song of praise. I look back, catch his eye and wink at him while I smile and sort it all into words so I can tell him all about it later!

(You should meet him... he is amazing!)

Ms Independent for protection

It’s the dependence we have in other people that has left so much to be desired. See, as the dependence grew, so did the terrible trend to disappoint. This, loving readers, is not something that came by chance but as a result of lost ways and confused trends.

Everybody – say “HI” to independence!

This tiny reality has been labelled as bad. It has been called terrible names and discussions have been held on why it should be killed. At yet another tired speech of the reasons why it should go, I cant help but wonder how much HE’s impact has been towards keeping it around.

(Please note that ‘HE’ does refer to a guy known to me and this comes from actual recent happenings – if you figure out who you are Mr HE, then congratulations for being an inspiration to yet another post!)

HE carries on passionately describing what independence has done wrong and how HE can fix it. (Mr Fix-it-all I silently add, while shacking my head knowing I can’t be seen).

Independence I believe, steams from the realization that no one can do it better for you then YOU. We come from a place where we women have been taught to wait for the men to bring it home. Wait for the men to give permission. Wait for the men to give us. Wait for the men to proudly afford us the kind of things that we have come to love. While this has worked really well in generations past, our generation at one point was left waiting for way too long when it finally decided to stand up and go get it themselves.

I am a practiser of independence and I can’t help but say that with pride. Careful tho – this does not mean that you should be pulling out your check lists of all the things that are wrong about me based on this statement. I do independence because it is my protection shield.

See, for a while, I did follow the trend (cause personally I do believe our mother’s generation still had the right idea on relations), but it came with the sad realization of just how much things have changed. I have heard the lines and I have seen the betrayal. Gone are the days when your word stayed your word till you saw it through. Nowadays, its all about ‘getting-my-own-at-any-cost’ and sadly it has left a lot to be desired for. And so admitting to the defeat of trying to hold on to a past trend, I join the masses. Not in word, but in deed.

I'm frowned upon tho (mostly by the other HE’s of our generations) and I am taken advantage of sometimes when I let my guard down.

The frowners can’t understand why I just don’t keep my place as a Christian woman. To them I ask: and what do I do in the mean time while I hope and plead HE to get his act together? While I wish that this man will finally provide what I need while I also make a pledge to do so (cause I know I'm willing)? What do I do with my emotions while HE refuses to recognise them and respect them? what do I do with this commitment that I have nurtured for so long for his sake while he picks and chooses who is prettier between me and the lady next to me in line?

The advantage-takers dance around me spinning words they hope will trap me. See, their game plan is to come enjoy the comforts I have built myself and when they have become fattened by them, trample on this heart that I sincerely gave and laugh at the devotion I honestly promised and shared while they were too busy eyeing the next me. To them I say: enjoy is while it lasts because when I do finally catch you out, don’t expect me to be clinging on you like God’s gift. I got here on my own and I most certainly will carry on just the same.

Sure, a better version of HE (called HIM) may be out there and he could be working on gathering enough for both of us to give to me too but until then – my independence continues to bring me joy. The things I own, the relations I keep and more importantly, the spirituality I continue to build are mine and I got them all by myself…
When HIM does come along and does prove to be genuine, then i will gladly hang up my Ms Independent hat and high heels and stick closely to my mom to teach me the ropes only like her generation did it. HIM will have a wife waiting at home for him to give. this wife will do so with a smile and a new tune to sing while she prepares the bacon he brought! (lol)

For now: HE carries on on how he is fully capable of giving and how HE thinks Ms Independent is wild and untamed and uncultured to want to get it herself. And after I have waited so long for him to bring it home and give it, I finally decide to hang up the phone and go get it myself. Seems like HE spent way too much time talking about it and beating his chest on proud talk that he missed all the times that I held out my hands – just waiting for him to give me…. Now I go get it – MYSELF!

Shall we throw HE into the advantage taker’s bin?

Sunny With A Chance of Rain vs A Turning Wheel

There is something to be said about the period of times that we face. I have heard it being described as a turning wheel (from the famous saying: “the wheel turns”) and im starting to wonder if that’s what it should really be labelled as.

Think about this for a moment: lets agree to take our life time periods as a turning wheel.

We have a period that is all good and everything seems to go our way. During this period, things just seem to ummm follow the right path, fall in to place so as to speak – the sun shines a bit brighter and we manage to maintain that happy step in our walk regardless of it being a Monday or the day when that hectic report is due. We smile a little more and love everything in our world – perfect or not.

Then comes the bad times - which somehow get me thinking of stepping on a piece of gum. Think of how irritating it is to get the gum off your shoe – err without touching it of cause – and yet still managing to have a bit of it still left behind to try keep your shoe grounded rather then move forward so you can finally get to the end of the damn day! We walk around with the whole world on our shoulders weighing us down. And of cause as if that wasn’t enough, we just had to get the speeding fine and mess up the work presentation or even send the terrible e-mail to everyone instead to the one recipient you usually off load on – now everyone knows that you managed to walk around the whole day with a bit of you dress stuck in your underwear!. During this time, someone could offer to take your life and you would gladly trade! And just as you manage to accept that things are to stay like that forever, that wheel does the turning thing and we are right back to the skip ‘n hop in our step and bright sun shines…

And so it carries on with alternating non-ending cycles…

Considering that with both cycles we tend to go through a series of questions such as “why me?” or “could things get any worse”, it makes me wonder if we are not actually willingly setting ourselves up for such things?

Im sure everyone will agree that it’s the bright sunny days that we like better right… but now my pressing question is this: why cant we have a usual sunny day with a chance of scattered thunder showers? That way, we have generally good periods with touches of rain simply because that’s how nature works. We know that the rain is coming at some point so we make it a point to carry an umbrella and maybe even a pair of Wellingtons for the rain puddles. This to me sound far much better then the world-is-ending feeling we experience every time those rain clouds roll in and we are stuck in terrible rain storms. Infact it sounds much better to me then sitting around knowing that all our good times will soon trade places with the bad just because some wheel has to turn!

Allow me to even take it a step further with this: forget about trying to get out of the storm, life is about learning how to dance in the rain (Tamia)

- Happy puddle dancing everyone!

Happly ever after is not real...

Letter:
                                                          Dear_____________
Wow where do I start…

As strange as it may seem but I believe in fairy tales… or at least I used to.

To me what has always made sense was the idea of happily ever after, you know the guy meets girl and falls madly in love with her. He shows her, as impossible as it may sometimes seem - that they belong together. She agrees and they live happily ever after.

Now I have let that idea go with me through life and it has helped me stand up and dust myself off and try again every time when I have had my heart broken. I say it may seem strange, because to many, something like that is impossible. In the tale, the man goes to all lengths for the woman who he loves and he falls in love with every little thing that makes her up. He loves the way she smiles and the way that she looks when she is upset. He falls for the way she gets so worked up over the smallest of things or the way that she cracks up at the most stupid yet insignificant of things. He loves the way she calls him like 10 times a day and never gets tired of it. When she is unhappy he becomes unhappy and when she cries he is always there to hold her tight and tell her that everything will be ok even though to him it may be so clear that they won’t. Life without her is an impossible something to him because he realizes that she forms such a huge part of his life to the extent that without her, he just isn’t. When she says “I love you” everything in his world is ok.

Many have said that something like that is simply what it is meant to be – a fairy tale that will never come true…

… Sadly I am beginning to see what they mean and it hurts.

I’m tired of dusting myself off because my dress has simply gotten too dirty for me to still hold my head up and carry on with no hint of bitterness.

I look back on the last couple of months and I notice how they have been so enveloped around this one man. I thought I liked him but that is simply an under statement. I fell in love.

When we turn bitter, it simply means that we hold on to this one bad experience and even though we may say that we are over it, we really are not. From that point onwards what ever happens along the same line will always be graded on this one experience and no one ever is able to change that. I used to feel so sorry for woman who let things get to that stage yet… I sit here today and I have let the very same thing happen to me. I have finally turned bitter towards men and I doubt if it will be changed or should I rather say – I doubt if I will ever allow anybody to change that.

I woke up this morning and I had this fantasy running in my head where a guy who has been seeing me from a distance for a while now finally approaches me and lays it all out in the open. He tells me from the get go that he thinks I’m amazing and that he now has gathered up enough courage to come up to me and talk to me. He says he wants to get to know me better. I smile. And he says that smile is something he has seen so many times and he has lost count of how many times he has prayed that I will flash him that smile one day…..

Reality hit and I remembered that I have sworn off men for life.

So here is a fairy tale situation that automatically played in my head and here is my heart screaming ENOUGH with a loud speaker.

Looking down at my worn, dirty dress (from all the falling and dusting off) and thinking of how difficult it is for me to find, pick up and put together the pieces of my shattered heart, I unfortunately now finally give up on my idea of a happily ever after and join the masses in saying…

Fairy Tales do not exist…

Signed: a member of the real world

Crossing over to 2011

I have been trying for days to come up with some great post that would end this year on some interesting note, a chuckle or two, or even an agreeing nod and a loud “uh-hu” yet all I keep coming up with is:             “            “ (nothing). So, while I sit here, in the middle of the hottest heat wave ever, my cousins laughing in the background, some Nollywood movie on DSTV and the funny dialog between the 2 most amazing women in my world (my gran and my mom), I think this is how I will end it:

In all my 23 years of life, I officially document this year as the most eye opening year ever.

As this year bows out and makes room for a new one, it leaves behind a wiser woman who has learned a lot from the trials and good times that came with it. The biggest lesson learned this year is: SOMETIMES EVEN YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES DO COME TRUE AND YET THE REAL TEST LIES IN HOW YOU STEP OUT OF THE STORM.

I come from a place that hurts. a place that has reminded me of a few things I would like to carry over into the new year:

Truth of the matter is:

• sometimes, things just don’t go the way we want them to.

• Sometimes our prayers take a little longer to be answered maybe to teach us better lessons and give light to a quality we are lacking.

• At times the simplest things in life tend to bring the greatest joy and the loudest laughs.

• Sometimes, the colour pink still seems much better then all the other colours.

• Sometimes cooking a home cooked meal – even if its just for one – makes a million things seem better.

• Sometimes, a glass of wine – a good one – can be very good company.

• Sometimes, the person we think least is listening, may be the only one hearing us the clearest.

• Sometimes, the people we love the most, hurt us the most.

• At times the people we trust the most, let us down the most.

Maybe the lessons are still coming. Maybe the last few hours of the year are yet to teach more “sometime’s” but until then, and more importantly is:

• Sometimes… just sometimes – the people we love the most, deserve the most chances!

And with a smile and a yawn and the newly realised silence that surrounds me…

• Sometimes, maybe its best I just get to bed!

From here on call me Ms Wiser… happy moving over to the new year and may it see many more blogs and a whole lot more laughter!

Signed:

GoT

Lets try this again...

so how many times have you fallen and stood up?

sitting in a heap on my bed room floor, i ask this question with the aim of wanting to know how many times i will have to do this again. it seems to me like regardless of how many times we all trip, scream and try to hold on before the loud crashing fall, we always manage to at some point stand up again. EVERYTIME. true for some people it could take a couple of years but with time, it eventually happens.

while on the floor, looking for some grip to help pull me up, i wonder too about my stumbling blocks - the ones that always manage to trip me and i realize, they all form part of the same huge stone. i laugh at the discovery and think like those heros in the lame movies... "to finally rid myself of the falling reflex, i need to get to he source and destroy it forever" (queue the triamphet music and a ray of sun light on the hero's face).
"finally rid myself"... the words echo in my mind while the answer dances around in my head... Answer?
NEVER!!!

see, my stumbling block is not one that can be pushed aside at will or even taken on when feelings of self pity pop around for tea. my block does not stand around like a misplaced object in the middle of a room wondering if it shall get moved. my block, strangly, is not huge and ugly and a mess. No, my stumbling block is  part of me. it comes in a shade that works well with my life decore and hell most of the time it can be passed off as part of the room. my block is small yet powerfull. it screams independence and demands attention... its proud and classic and well is sometimes envied... See MY block is a part of me - an essential part of me.

(i suppose this could explain why my bedroom carpert has become a good place to rest for ever so often i find myself there when my block rears its dominating head)

New plan of action.... I NEED A NEW PLAN OF ACTION before i stand up again so that we could make sure that this time, im up there for a bit longer.
"mmmm bueatifully painted stumbling block... oh how do i get rid of you or atleast make you smaller...??"
*thinking*

Starting to feel a little numb from the hard cold floor, i decide to stand up and leave the "To make stumbling block smaller" plan for another day. i decide to enjoy the stand up and the time i spend up there a bit more before the great war with BLOCK starts again...
untill then... the feeling in side is: IM UP! IM UP! shall we try this again...

signed
GoT

Big girl Panties...

You should know by now that I have this deep passion for well written writings (articles, proverbs, news etc…) and once in a while I stumble upon these and cant help but to share and discuss.

Cosmopolitan magazine has this daily 5 which they use to dish out some well meaning advise on EVERYTHING (one of the million reasons why I am addicted to the publication). This is one that they had a few days ago named “BIG GIRL PANTIES”

Read on and see what I mean: (and of cause I add my 2c worth)

1. Your body, your integrity, your independence – all these are yours and nobody else’s.

You have worked so hard to get to this place and yet you allow someone so easy to come take that all away all willy nilly… nope! Makes no sense to me. I am finally at a place where I am madly in love with this body (and with reason too cause tis is all I have and forever is too long to spend trying to look like someone else). I may be a little chubby and a little mis-proportioned but I fully realise that it is those exact things that make me… ME! I'm independent and I'm clever. I'm honest and worthy. I AM WOMEN

2. Think before you shout. Think before you send a vicious e-mail. Think before you hang up the phone or slam a door on someone. That split-second of consideration could spare you years of regret.

Not so easily done at times esp. for someone like me who is known for holding a hott head at the worst of times (fully attributed to my lack of patients and understanding for rubbish).

What do you say? Can you? Will you?

3. Ish happens. Deal with it smartly. Unburden (within reason) to friends, eat sensibly, exercise and sleep enough. If you still can’t cope, see a pro.
4. Nothing is meant to be. It just is. Sometimes you can influence the way things turn out and sometimes you can’t.
AMEN!

5. People don’t think about you as often as you think they do, so stop obsessing
(LOL love this one!)

Girl-On-Top has been found!

Was watching a show last night about a designer girl who’s week went from great to drab in a matter of days. Her FIRST collection was stolen in a huge mix-up with her best friend, the ex that DUMPED her like yesterdays rubbish and moved away popped back into the picture, she has a HUGE fall out with her new beau, her OTHER best friend finds out that she is the other woman in her new, exciting relationship and on TOP of all that – she still needs to design a new collection in 7 days since hers was stolen…
What got to me was the fact that amongst all that and through many tears-full nights, she pulls it off - manages to help her buddy fight her battles with the new romance, ditch the ex who took their past


- i am super woman -

(the white skin colour is part

         of the costume)

relationship as a little fling (while for her it was earth shattering) and still wowed the crowds with her newly made range… then on the night when all that seemed to be behind her and things started looking up – her boyfriend brakes up with her.

SCENE: she stands outside listening to this guy give her the good-bye speech, climbs ino a texi and leaves. With a feeling of knots in her tummy, she walks into a room full of people, puts a smile on her face and just for that moment holds it together for the sake of other people…

Would you be able to do that? Hold it together while your world seems to be crashing around you? I ask because in simply the first 6-months of a year that was said to be the greatest ever, I have had 75% of my deepest fears come true and yet here I still stand. Sure at times it feels like the world just wont stop caving, yet strangely enough, it never manages to fully swallow me – regardless of how close to the edge I am…

I am a 20 something year old black female with a drive to make it regardless of the hills and mountains I gotta trample and trip over to get there. I am loud and I love hard. I have passions that grow everyday and I have no patients for under achievers. I get that no one else can do it for me while I sit in a bunch somewhere hance my every-where-all-over routine. I cry and I shout, I sing and I dance…


There are factors out there who have made it a passion of theirs to bring me down and that’s ok – I suppose they too have the right to fulfil their dreams. Yet note that it being ok does not mean they will get their way. I am super woman and I can take on the odds – sometimes with the help of huge doses of chocolate cake and wine but bottom line… I will do it!

I AM GIRL-ON-TOP!

The streangth of woman amazes me...

while driving to work this morning, i notice the many women who go about their daily miracals.

i call them miracals because the things that women are able to accomplish on a daily basis, are breath taking.

- im thinking of the woman who, regardless what her ailing for that day is, still manages to wake up early and get things going for her family who may still be fast asleep. this woman gets everybody's lunches ready for whatever it is that they may be doing. she gets their cloths ready for the day and as they wake up, ensures that all is well while managing to put a good brackfast on the table. once the morning rush is over, she is the one left to pick up behind everybody else and tidy up the house while she herself gets ready for her daily activities. she goes into the world to work - either to comliment her husband or even put food on the table herself. inbetween, she manages to diliver forgotten lunches and documents to school and work, pick up the kids from after school activities and after a long day's work, still manages to have a hot hearty meal on top of the table and entertain her husband... all this in a day.

now, as much as i realize that all this happens on a daily basis with no second thought about it, it gets me wondering if i will ever be that kind of woman...
i have always said, if i grow up to be half the wman my mother is... that will be enough for me.

so...
what re yu miraclas...?

signed
G-o-T