The box where its all kept.

It’s the damn days when the sun won’t just come out that get to me. It’s the times when I, the girl who seems to have it all planed and knows exactly where and how she wants it, cant for the life of me manage to get a single sentence said or a single word written.


These are the days when my wounds do bleed and the scars start to show again. It seems to me that regardless of how much I pack it up and shove it to the back of a dark closet, some light does still seem to fall on it from time to time. As I peer in again into this livid box, I see traces of where these new habits come from. With that though comes the reminder of a sad yet essential reality…

Girl-On-Top should not be leaning on this shaky wall.

I opened my eyes this morning and I had a plan in mind. Today would be a good day and I would get things done. I somehow managed to fall asleep with the phone near me… ahh reminder of another broken promise comes to mind… the call that was promised but never came. But that will not bother me today… I have a plan remember? Yet as awake time carried on, my plan fell apart and all I was left with was this damn box that seemed to show up again – even when I had made sure it was pushed far back this time!

My day was bad. It all seemed like that box had crept into my handbag this morning or had followed me to work. I messed up things and I lost documents. I had breathless moments and no amount of good music seemed to calm it. A good friend says I should swallow my pride and call in for help. Help? Girl-On-Top does not call in for help! Hell I can help myself… 11am and things carry on down hill. Maybe I should swallow this pride and just do as I was told… grab phone. Write it out. Options. Send… *deep breath* there, I have done it…

One hour later… nothing

Two hours (hold my breath and look at my phone screen)… nothing

Two and a half hours later… no beep…

Wait…. Here it comes… *smile*

I opened up the inbox and this damn box sprung open and I lost all hope of closing it – ever!

This is a box with all my issues laid bare. In this box are stories and events that saw me on my floor after failed wrestlings with attempts to get them sorted. This box is where all the bitterness and anger and “I told you so’s” lie. This is the box that carries lethal combinations of things that got me way near to the edge at one point and for some strange reason – this one sms managed to pull them all out again…

I started this post with hopes that I would lay them bare here. That I would have a go at them here yet at quarter-past-way-past-my-bed-time, I get comfortable on this floor that I had managed to avoid for a very long time. Habit is here too. He brought wine. As he fills my glass - again – I smile at this old friend and start telling him a story of how I at some stage tried to hide him in a box at the back of my closet. He laughs, smiles and asks me questions about this damn wall I tried to lean against.

I guess this means that the issues will have to wait till I have become well acquainted with Habit again. Tonight… tonight I do things differently. I switch off the phone to block the wall that should have come through for me a whole 8 hours ago. I climb into bed with habit and fall asleep in the arms of the demon I know and have secretly come to love too.

“its good to have you around tonight habit…” I whisper as I drift asleep in to a dream with no expectations in the morning…

"New kind of low"

A lady looked deep into the eyes of her daughter who was sitting in tears and softly yet firmly said to her: “you cannot make yourself happy by brining misery to other people”


I have seen this scene a million times over yet it still proves true over and over. Look around you – we have become a species plagued with sadness and misery and bitterness and all other things that seem to hang around like a severe case of fever!

Ask if you dare what the reason is and a deafening silence follows when the answer is said: OURSELVES!

… he says he loves his wife yet he cant brake it off with his side fling. He hates the thought of the side fling seeing anybody else but him…


…she has no problem with spreading that vicious rumour about her hard working colleague in hopes that it would destroy her credibility, be sacked from the job just so she can finally get her job which she has been eyeing…


…the fact that he breaks his back to provide for you does not make you appreciate what he offers since you have no problem with getting your own from someone else…


…so what if he has kids and a wife at home? Oh I know he is engaged and committed to some girl but as long as he gives me what I want – I'm happy! If she can’t keep him happy – I will…

Tell me:

Why is it that we feel the need to be unfaithful?

In all aspects! It seems like we have become the type that has given in to the pathetic excuse that “we couldn’t help it”. We are all so caught up in instant gratification and the ruthless want to get ahead and get our own regardless of the cost or the things we leave trampled behind!

Yet when you sit and reflect on what the result of such dealing has been – you don’t really see yourself rolling around laughing at the achievements you have made through your genius dealings and scheming. Instead, all you have is the cold cash you have no one to spend it with since you have alienated yourself from any kind of love you had coming or a guilty conscience, which even tho it has been taught to shut up until spoken to, caries on to silently taunt you while sitting in the dark corner where you put it. Does not feel as good as you thought it would, does it?

We all go around acting like we are superior and better when in actual fact, we rank very near to the gum stuck under our shoes - which has been chewed and spat out. We have finally managed to build a culture of fake trust and a sad existence that is based on pretence and heartache all because “we couldn’t help it”. It gets even worse when it finally has reached a stage where it is no longer socially frowned upon and is openly done with no shame on the part of the offender! Hell the offended is even encouraged to hit back just as bad or worse even… when does it stop?

When you sit alone and reflect on how unhappy you have become or how hectic this system of things has dealt you your share – I promise you 8 times out of 10, the person to mainly blame is the one staring right back at you in the mirror!

Congratulations “human race”, you defied all expectations and managed to reach a new kind of low. A low lower then the one associated with the likes of Hitler’s rule, the reasons behind both World Wars and the many genocides…

Let’s see if you can achieve an even lower one…

FACT:Happiness is over rated!

I sat across the table and listened to one of my best gal pal go on about how she just wants to be happy and how she believes the new man in her life may just be the key to unlocking it. Two things crossed my mind: 1. She could be right. Judging from the hell she has been through lately, I would like to think that she has it coming her way – at least at some point. 2. Could that be where both she and I have lost the plot – thinking that when this one thing happens, we COULD just unlock the flood gates of on going happiness?

HAPPINESS IS A DUMMY!!!

I fully recognise with my gal since im on the same sinking boat that she is to. I get her despret grasps at a life like she had planned while growing up and the hope she still has that it will all come through if this and that could just happen. But my pressing question is: could it be that this happiness thing that we all seem to strive after is actually over rated? Maybe it’s a simple concept that has been sold to us for way too long that we have lost all sense of common sense that would have eventually led us to this point… this point where we realise this was just an ad, a concept of someone’s imagination and as soon as someone yells “CUT!” then its all gone (back to our coping existence).

Don’t get me wrong. I am not on some path way to doom and gloom and I still stand in awe at how bright the sun seems to shine after a heavy storm. Where I am at right now, is at a point where I wonder if I (and so many of you) am not just chasing after some pot of gold at the end of a strangely diming rainbow. Look around you; do you not think that if this happiness thing where real in the intensity that we seem to believe, do you not think you would meet more people in the streets walking around with huge grins on their faces? I feel like the fact that we are still holding on to this doubtful concept, we miss the limited happiness that we really can milk out of these times. I think we are wasting so much time looking and searching that we miss the thing that we should actually be doing – enjoying that limited happiness that is actually owed to us!

My girl has other things that could bring her joy and while she likes those and enjoys them too, it is possible that she is missing out on a bulk of it because she is still waiting for this one event that could crack the whole “happiness” thing open. Im not saying she should not be... all I’m saying is that she should not be holding her breath just in case she fully passes out when it all seems like a waste of precious time!

And maybe… just maybe – its time I started taking my own advice!

I HATE being sick...

I hate being sick…


Well besides the accompanying terrible earth-open-up-and-swallow-me feeling, it also always leads me here; in a heap on my couch questioning the strangest of concepts and the ever growing yearning to stop the remember-when-you-were-here rehash of the past.

See, I'm not a sick person. I have never spent the night at the hospital and I have managed to go a full 3 years with no medical aid since my medical expenses have honestly been less then R2000.00 (dental work and over the counter remedies included) for those 3 years… yet, every once in a while, those moments do creep up on me when I feel as sick as a dog and where I willingly agree that maybe its time to go see a doctor. When I decide to go see a doctor then you should know its bad!

*sigh* …remember-when-you-were-still-here… I got so sick it scared you. I stayed home for a week, in bed and in a constant state of near tears. You called to check up on me a million times a day and whenever I tried to sound ok on the phone, you always always caught me out and gave it your all in persuading me to take my pills (I hate pills). I knew you were worried when you came over to spend the day with me. You watched me fall in and out of sleep when the damn poison in the pills finally defeated my resistance. And when that very same poison left me feeling worse (before feeling better), you let me fall asleep in your arms and patiently waited for me to wake up.

(wait a minute… is this a new intensity of pain I feel?) *sigh and watery eyes* … lol remember the stupid idea I had to go drinking to celebrate me feeling better? Stupid idea because poison and alcohol just made me sick all over again and once again, you were right there to let me sleep it off in your arms *smile*

Mmmmm see what sickness does to me?

I don’t want to do this anymore. We are done with this part of my book and the damn chapter has been closed! *switch sides to sleep on my left hand side* maybe I should save up for a house instead. Or maybe not. Huuuu *sigh* I wonder if I pray hard enough if Jehovah will grant my all time deepest yearning. Maybe I should quit my job and relocate to Durban…

I suppose the real issue here is trying to find a way to relive me of my memories just for a little while. I hate always ending up here. I hate the damn fantasies of what I would do if you did this… I hate the damn flame burning my hands. I hate my lost love for food and the sad (yet slightly great) fact that my jeans don’t fit me as well as they should. I hate that I cant make time to visit the dentist for my half yearly check up. I hate the stupid question my aunt asked at a freaking funeral (has she no shame) and the fact that she is wondering. I hate the idea of doing all of this all over again.

And I FLIPPIN’ HATE BEING SICK LIKE THIS!!!

5:30pm already and I look like a mess! I have meetings tonight and I cant miss that for a little pain and stupid feelings of a past long gone… I should get dressed and draw a smile on my face if I have to! Time has passed and some things are better off left in the past! Now if I only can get over this damn sickness… anybody have poison for me?

Ps: I do mean pills by poison… I am not suicidal… just sick!

What is the freaking POINT!

I sat in my car for a while waiting for my next appointment and I just started looking at everybody going about doing their daily lives and the strangest thought crossed my mind – what is the freaking point! No no, don’t get me wrong. I'm not suicidal or depressed or anything – I just got thinking:

(follow my train of thoughts here…)

So, you get up in the morning, go about your daily activities that involve either making money, spending money or asking for money. You eat, interact and you go home to sleep (after a ton of other domestic chores). Then, as the sun comes up, you do the same thing over and over again.

Maybe I should not be calling what I'm feeling a rut. Maybe I should rather call it a disappointment at the whole fuss placed upon life!

Look around you and show me a happy content person and I will show you a fairy…

It looks to me like in our entire struggle to make a better life for ourselves; we just have managed to mess up a something that was already falling apart. Look at the sadness in the eyes of most people around. See the hurtful things that we do to our loved ones. Think of all things that could change in just a split second. Now tell me: does this whole life thing make sense to you?

Why is it that we do some of the things we do? Bad judgement? Mistake?

What then about the things that we do knowing very well that it will never have a happy ending – whats the excuse for doing those? You know you will end up hurting someone but you do it anyway hoping that you can hide it. But does that not end up hurting you when you have to go through the pains of keeping it from hurting the next person?

Even when you have it “made” as per the standards of society but you still end up doing the same old same old – working at maintaining that “made” status! It never stops. Weather you show off here, show off there or remain humble and all – fact still remains, you are stuck in a cycle that is called life and there aint nothing you can do about it.

So sure you have a reason to jump out of bed – I do too. I have a life to live. But I can’t help but stop for a moment and think: what is the freaking point?

I love watching little children go about doing their lives. I like the pure pleasure and satisfaction that comes with innocents. To them, its moment to moment. Its honest and pure. Its fulfilling and better then the last moment. *smile* they skip about thinking of ice-cream and sweets. They want to be doctors and air pilots and pioneers and elders when they grow up. They cant wait.

Then catch up with them a couple of years later and watch how life takes that away. Watch as the shadow of sadness sits on them too as innocence slips away due to maturity. At first they are oblivious to the phenomenon but it soon hits them…. no no rather slaps them to reality.

Once again, don’t get e wrong – I AM NOT DEPRESSED/SUICIDAL and I dont need to talk to anyone about anything.

All I'm thinking is WHAT IS THE FREAKING POINT!