The new book – INTRO page

29 March 2010, I started this blog while deep in the throws of a challenging moment in my world. Looking back at all the posts – the laughs, smiles, anger and pain – tells me that this has been one heck of a journey filled with experiences and appreciations.
29 July 2011, I stand at the brink of a new page or rather – a new book.
The prospect of a blank book that needs to be filled is both scary and exciting...
I look at the pile of books near me and I smile thinking of some of the situations that had me closing the currently opened one and starting a new one – 5 in total and I’m not even 25 yet!
“wow...”, I think when reminded of all the moments – including glasses of wine, crying marathons, fits of laughter (at the stupidity of the situation), burgers and sleep overs - it took to get me here.

I am grown!

Not so much age wise but more so experience wise. There is only so much bad dates and terrible hair days that a girl can go through and not finally get the hang of things (inbox me for tips). I have learned lessons too and I am wiser and CALMER. I fit comfortably in my shape and I openly let down the guard when around the ESSENTIALS, happy that its with them that I have found my good place.
I also finally have found my feet with new love. Gone are the days when I would have to stuff forcibly all the insecurities so I can present a SEEMINGLY polished version of me to him – holding my breath that he doesn’t see the rust and run. Now, I sit back and watch them jump into this box I have laid out. They seem to agree that they are no longer needed and bow out gracefully allowing me no choice but to be a deeply polished me – refined I said!
Now – the cover of this new book has a different look. I hope you all will approve of the new look of the blog and look ahead to posts about love, life and the girls I love.

This is: CONFESSIONS OF A GIRL ON TOP – Musings of a 24 year old!

Realizations done and appriciation grows!

There would always be a certain bad boy flair about him that made me sit up and stay interested. He would be the type to push boundaries and although he wasn’t at a level to be written off as bad-a$$ yet, he would have that slightly rude thing about him and could tell it off while remaining calm.

“its exciting” I would shout at my brain when it protested.

“live a little” I would plead with it and while it carried on to fight and resist this as much as it could, my heart and I were doing love dances all over and would so many times be left gasping for what would come next to take us on this high we had become addicted to.

This would be the one major characteristic about the guys I would date. “anything else would be a bore” I would defend.

“besides, he is not all bad...” I would continue while hiding the other incident where this particular one through risk out the window when he decided to kiss me while driving at speeds over 100 km/h one evening.

Yep, this is the type that I would be attracted to. It was the rush of not being ruled by rules that I loved most and the tendency to question them was a direction I would be heading in. “this is my true calling...” I through at my mind during another heated attempt to get me to see reason!

Until it all changed one day when finally after the hundredth time, I failed to find the strength to stand up after this type had thrown me to the floor AGAIN and didn’t even care to stop and see if I was ok.

“its exciting remember?” my mind mocked while sending out reinforcements to mop up the mess that this type had left.

For the longest time, I failed to understand this. How is it that after all that I had given this type, it never stopped to see if I was ok? Why was it that I finally hit rock bottom with no ability to dust myself off and get back on to this rollercoaster I had come to love and feed off?  I had it all planned out and yet at that very moment, I sat in a pile on the floor unable to piece it all together as to where it went wrong.

Out of pity, I assume, my brain came to sit and keep me company while I sat, lost in why’s maybe’s and other themes to my pity parties.

“allow me to explain this”, my brain started in a grown up serious tone, “there comes a time in a person’s life, when the real things in life become recognised. To some, it comes quickly and simply, yet for others, such as yourself, lessons need to be learned and realizations have to be made...”

The conversation carried on for days, only stopping to refuel. My mind seemed mature and grown. It made points that made things make sense. It allowed for questions and comforted me at times when the realizations came hard and fast yet it never judged me for the roads taken or choices made.

Many many many days later, this is the truth that my mind (through the strongest type of divine intervention, I believe) has helped me realize:

In the quest to find and define ourselves, we fall prey to what SEEMS like the type that we should become. We etch it deep in our minds and even go as far as fighting off any kind of different reasons that may threaten this. Yet, after all has been said and done, its the same things that we all strive for. We all want to be loved and taken care of. We all want security and comfort when things get bad. As exciting as it may seem to live on the edge sometimes, that it NOT the type of thing that builds futures and brings off well meaning and stable people. it keeps things good yes, great even, but if its a type that does not give in return  or is still on a quest to fulfil its own needs at whatever the cost, then maybe its not the TYPE I should be hanging out with. Having gone through this does not make me a failure. No! It instead makes me a better version of myself – an appreciative kind. It makes me real because now, I’m not caught up in some lost sense of myself but rather in a sense that has so much more to give! And when one stumbles upon ummmm not a TYPE but rather an INDIVIDUAL who sees and appreciates this – one should let go of pasts and longings, put on their big, mature and comfortable girl panties and allow for things that may come, to come. Now that to me sounds exciting!

After endless grinnings and all good and fuzzy feelings inside, I pick up my phone and type it in...

“you loving me feels amazing and yes.... I NEED you...”

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*smile*

Love is like a motorcycle ride

This is my true and honest confession: I am a self proclaimed ROMANTIC junkie who has gone as far as deciding how she would like the order of things to go so as to merit as ALLOWABLE and ACCEPTED.

And then the problem sets in:

We live in the year 2011 where regardless of how well thought out things may be, they never really do end up happening like that and if they do – exactly point for point as set out – then you may find yourself with even bigger problems.

I am a passionate mental doodler and in my mind, things should happen in this manner:

·         We would meet

·         I would eventually agree to drinks/lunch/supper

·         I would conclude that he is ok and agree to a second date

·         4 successful dates later and we would do the exclusive thing

·         2-3 successful years later and we would do the marriage thing

{Tune in a great sound track and all is well with the world}

And here I am…. Struggling to keep up with my own mental notes.

Feels a lot like riding a motorcycle for the first time (not that I have but I imagine it would be something like this): As great as the ride is going, I am stuck on making sure that my helmet is on securely and ensuring that my knee pads don’t slip of.  I have a check list that I'm trying to tick off as we pass mile stone after mile stone. On top of all of that, is the worry of where the bike is headed. The ironical part of it all is – regardless of all my inhibitions… this bike moves and it doesn’t do easy and slow. It roars to life and promises a thrill rush – helmet or not.

If there are some things that I'm learning during the bike ride, one of them would be: that the best bike rides have no planned routes. They don’t do list-tick-offs or being subjected to controlled doses. This is LOVE and it does not do rules. It over whelms and excites. It takes over you like a high tide wave and evokes a rush of weird, amazing, great and breath taking emotions all at once. Coupled with attraction it promises an even wilder experience that does not wait for you to give permission – it takes over and while it can leave you unravelled, it does promise you a thrill rush – list or not.

So being long overdue at this stage: here is a new mental doodle in tune with the times:

·         We would meet

·         Hang on tight and let whatever completely take over…

So while I sit safely behind the driver of this bike, I let my helmet fall off and let the air through my hair. The thought at that very moment (besides how great it feels to be close to him) is: I know I will love where this bike is going to stop

The joy factor

I put my head phones on and bop around to some random playlist I found and played…

“Its an amazing place to be”, I say while smiling at the reflection of myself in the mirror I was cleaning. My house is warm, my meal is cooked, I have a plan and most importantly, My Heart Is Washed…

It took some doing to get here.

I had heard it all lately. Some was not really said but more suggested by the actions shown. I heard worthless and undeserving and something along the lines of condemned hurt. A lot of times, that just left me thrown on the floor with a million feelings – disbelief being the more prominent. How possible was it that after so long, I still find me here? Has time forgotten that healing thing it was supposed to do? “Get on with it will ya” I would silently shout and wish it would wake up from its slumber and save us all.

This was a new level of tired. I was tired of the tears; I was tired of the empty pep talks I gave myself. I was so tired of all the desperate sms’s sent to the girls - which took forever to compose because I would work hard to dilute the pathetic in them by a joke or two although silently I wished the girls would pick up on it. Hell I was tired of pleading for a brake and I was very close to the point of lost hope.

And now – here I am. Refined I think.

Looking back, I have been taught tough lessons and I have had my priorities tweeked. Also, with the events of the past week, my worth has been defended and I have permanently been stamped with the stamp of approval – not by some guy or some culture made up by god-knows-who, but rather by the essentials in my world, the family I love, the girls who have been there since forever and by this guy who humbly asked for permission to call me and who says he is willing to hear me…

I woke up this morning to the coldest day this year. I still jumped out of bed tho and nearly over worked my facial muscles with this smile I can’t seem to wipe off.

 

“its an amazing place to be”

My hand bag is packed with all the essentials, my books for lesson prep are staked and with the last bite of my breakfast, I hurry down the passage with my heels clicking away with the sound of a women on a mission. If I'm not mistaken, I think I hear too a tune my shoes are playing that seems to make my feet wanna dance and skip on to work.

Hello world – I have returned!

Forget the bus that hits you, I'm stuck at the trailer bashing after that!!!

Talked to a friend last night and realised that this must be the one ultimate life lesson we get taught over and over again. That when the bus finally hits you – and it does find you, the point is not the tiny details about what make of bus it was or who the driver was and what colour seats it had. The point is when, how and what.

Let me explain:

First ask when: when will I contemplate getting up?

See, as much as at that moment it feels like planning when to get up is the least of our worries, sooner or later it has got to happen. More importantly though is the fact that only you can decide when to do it. So, while you spend the sleepless nights and bucket loads of tears while down there, keep in mind that sooner or later, you have got to get up.

Note to self: remember this when my next bus comes along.

Then ask how: How do I do this getting up thing?

Truth be told, there are just those buses that leave you so “hit” that you forget which side your feet are and where to start when wanting to lift your head. There are times when that bus just leaves us so tangled up that getting up becomes a long process that can also very easily find you right back on your butt again all too soon.

AGAIN, fact still remains that it has got to happen.

What I like though about this getting up process is that you now get to decide how straight up you want to stand this time around and while initially the feeling would be not to take it too far – in case you have to kneel and duck the next bus –but you can stand straighter then before. In fact, sometimes when the fall has been really hard, some people choose to take a different path road all together just so they can encounter new buses. And then you get the suckers who believe this path still has a bit more good times to offer – either way – you will eventually have stood up!

(Writing this question has my mind thinking of all the people around you who will seem to have the answers on how to do this *pointing a finger at myself since I tend to fall pray to this too*. But it also leads me to wonder if someone can really help you get up… *thinking* the way I see it, since this was your bus, you should be the one that will decide not only when to get up but more importantly HOW to get up.)

Then finally, we get to what: what has this bus left me with and what lessons have I learned.

It’s true that some scares from the bus bashing may never really heal. It’s true too that even if the surface scares do disappear (cue bio oil) fact is the inner pains may come to visit on rainy days and colder weather. But I would like to think that one of the things that should happen at this point will be getting to know your capabilities a bit more and knowing what could trigger the painful cringe when the wound is unintentionally touched or the weather does get colder. Remember – we are over the tears so let that not be an option.

Also, its good to get to the part where you reflect on what the bus has taught you so you can better dodge it the next time. If you know that walking on the right hand side of the road leads to on coming buses hitting you point blank, then hell – stay away from that side or even use the damn side walk next time.

All the above seems all well and wise but now I'm left with a question bigger and maybe even more lethal then the bus: WHAT HAPPENS IF THE BUS HAD A TRAILER AND THE DAMN TRAILER GOT LEFT ON TOP OF YOU CLEARLY MAKING GETTING UP IMPOSSIBLE? Am I allowed to call out now?

Conflicted conversations

“…I can do this,” I whisper to myself. It simple actually. I will play dumb, enjoy it and be oblivious to the consequences that may follow. And why the hell shouldn’t i? I don’t think she lost any sleep wondering of whether she should or she should not. She went for it, loved it and even though it all blew up in her face a little while later, fact still remains that she did it anyway!


I clime into bed and the strangest sensation takes over. It feels like I’m an onlooker while my situation is being discussed lengthily by 2 friends I seem to have picked up some where during the course of last year.

“let me be the first one to admit that you sure do have the um… tools to pull off such a thing. But again, let me be the first too to remind you that you are not that kind of girl!” HABIT starts off his argument.

“and how would you now what kind of girl she is?”, CINDY throws back, “when all you have done is show up only when invited. I’ve been here you idiot. I saw, felt and lived through what this did to her and I stand firm on the ideal that she would be doing herself a world of good taking this on even if its just to bring her back from the pitiful state she has become”, CINDY carries on in a presence I have come to love.

She is right you know. If I where to put all my inhabitations aside, I could pull this off! Hell, I have succeded in laying the ground work so far and the thought of how much I enjoyed doing that makes me smile a little.

“Can I do this?” I ask , looking around as if someone could be listening in on the conversation I’m having with myself.

I shut my eyes tight, desperately trying to stop the thoughts running through my mind. See, together with CINDY, they are holding up big signs with the phrases “ITS YOUR TURN NOW”, “YOU DESERVE IT”, “IT WILL DO YOU GOOD” and one that seems to be a little more aggressive since it says “STOP being a wimp!” Cindy puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers hard facts that I too have come to realize. The fact that in this day and age, the good that you try and do, simply gets thrown right back in your face. The fact that regardless of how much risks you avoid, crap still happens to all of us so why the freaking hell do you not just join the masses.

“mmmm this CINDY seems to mean business” I silently comment. As much as her tough approach seems a little intimidating, she sure does make good arguments. What has all the careful planning and good brought me anyway? All I found at the end of that worthless cause are conversations I seem to animatedly hold with myself and my alter egos - who even though come down to being me, are so different from each other. I played by the rules. I helped people. I sat back and waited for it to be my turn and what do I have to show for it besides tears and a best friend named CINDY?

“I Can Do This, I Will Do this” I loudly conclude as I drift off into dream land. Strangely, that conclusion is very comforting even though I know very well that all this can change in the morning when CONSCIENCE wakes up…

Crossing over to 2011

I have been trying for days to come up with some great post that would end this year on some interesting note, a chuckle or two, or even an agreeing nod and a loud “uh-hu” yet all I keep coming up with is:             “            “ (nothing). So, while I sit here, in the middle of the hottest heat wave ever, my cousins laughing in the background, some Nollywood movie on DSTV and the funny dialog between the 2 most amazing women in my world (my gran and my mom), I think this is how I will end it:

In all my 23 years of life, I officially document this year as the most eye opening year ever.

As this year bows out and makes room for a new one, it leaves behind a wiser woman who has learned a lot from the trials and good times that came with it. The biggest lesson learned this year is: SOMETIMES EVEN YOUR WORST NIGHTMARES DO COME TRUE AND YET THE REAL TEST LIES IN HOW YOU STEP OUT OF THE STORM.

I come from a place that hurts. a place that has reminded me of a few things I would like to carry over into the new year:

Truth of the matter is:

• sometimes, things just don’t go the way we want them to.

• Sometimes our prayers take a little longer to be answered maybe to teach us better lessons and give light to a quality we are lacking.

• At times the simplest things in life tend to bring the greatest joy and the loudest laughs.

• Sometimes, the colour pink still seems much better then all the other colours.

• Sometimes cooking a home cooked meal – even if its just for one – makes a million things seem better.

• Sometimes, a glass of wine – a good one – can be very good company.

• Sometimes, the person we think least is listening, may be the only one hearing us the clearest.

• Sometimes, the people we love the most, hurt us the most.

• At times the people we trust the most, let us down the most.

Maybe the lessons are still coming. Maybe the last few hours of the year are yet to teach more “sometime’s” but until then, and more importantly is:

• Sometimes… just sometimes – the people we love the most, deserve the most chances!

And with a smile and a yawn and the newly realised silence that surrounds me…

• Sometimes, maybe its best I just get to bed!

From here on call me Ms Wiser… happy moving over to the new year and may it see many more blogs and a whole lot more laughter!

Signed:

GoT