I HATE being sick...

I hate being sick…


Well besides the accompanying terrible earth-open-up-and-swallow-me feeling, it also always leads me here; in a heap on my couch questioning the strangest of concepts and the ever growing yearning to stop the remember-when-you-were-here rehash of the past.

See, I'm not a sick person. I have never spent the night at the hospital and I have managed to go a full 3 years with no medical aid since my medical expenses have honestly been less then R2000.00 (dental work and over the counter remedies included) for those 3 years… yet, every once in a while, those moments do creep up on me when I feel as sick as a dog and where I willingly agree that maybe its time to go see a doctor. When I decide to go see a doctor then you should know its bad!

*sigh* …remember-when-you-were-still-here… I got so sick it scared you. I stayed home for a week, in bed and in a constant state of near tears. You called to check up on me a million times a day and whenever I tried to sound ok on the phone, you always always caught me out and gave it your all in persuading me to take my pills (I hate pills). I knew you were worried when you came over to spend the day with me. You watched me fall in and out of sleep when the damn poison in the pills finally defeated my resistance. And when that very same poison left me feeling worse (before feeling better), you let me fall asleep in your arms and patiently waited for me to wake up.

(wait a minute… is this a new intensity of pain I feel?) *sigh and watery eyes* … lol remember the stupid idea I had to go drinking to celebrate me feeling better? Stupid idea because poison and alcohol just made me sick all over again and once again, you were right there to let me sleep it off in your arms *smile*

Mmmmm see what sickness does to me?

I don’t want to do this anymore. We are done with this part of my book and the damn chapter has been closed! *switch sides to sleep on my left hand side* maybe I should save up for a house instead. Or maybe not. Huuuu *sigh* I wonder if I pray hard enough if Jehovah will grant my all time deepest yearning. Maybe I should quit my job and relocate to Durban…

I suppose the real issue here is trying to find a way to relive me of my memories just for a little while. I hate always ending up here. I hate the damn fantasies of what I would do if you did this… I hate the damn flame burning my hands. I hate my lost love for food and the sad (yet slightly great) fact that my jeans don’t fit me as well as they should. I hate that I cant make time to visit the dentist for my half yearly check up. I hate the stupid question my aunt asked at a freaking funeral (has she no shame) and the fact that she is wondering. I hate the idea of doing all of this all over again.

And I FLIPPIN’ HATE BEING SICK LIKE THIS!!!

5:30pm already and I look like a mess! I have meetings tonight and I cant miss that for a little pain and stupid feelings of a past long gone… I should get dressed and draw a smile on my face if I have to! Time has passed and some things are better off left in the past! Now if I only can get over this damn sickness… anybody have poison for me?

Ps: I do mean pills by poison… I am not suicidal… just sick!