Could i actually do it?

I have thoughts of quitting my job so I can go be a free spirit… live for the day and do the exact things that make me happy…

Should I? Should I not?

I have this insatiable need to want to feel needed and irreplaceable. I suppose to some degree, we all do. There is just something with knowing that without me, some things will not carry on as they should neither will they ever be the same. There is a certain excitement from knowing that no one can do what I do best as good as I do it and that right there is the fuel to the burning reason why I still find myself sitting here week after week trying to hold it together. But here is a question for you: is it worth it all?

I suppose another culprit that seems to be hanging around unpunished, is the need to want to be in control of my tomorrow. I wanna know how I will afford the rest of my life. I wanna know how I will support my McFlurry addiction and the impulsive decisions to go meet up with my beau when ever, where ever. I don’t want to have to wonder or ask. I don’t wanna have to scrape through and be obsessed about the R20 I'm sure I left in my jean pocket… I wanna be in control of it all. Yet here is another question for you: Is it worth it all?

Regardless of how much my two main reasons make sense and regardless of how much they seem sane enough to hold on to, I still find myself with an even stronger desire to want to quit and go do other carefree things that although not guaranteed to feed my two obsessive reasons but would bring an even bigger amount of joy and satisfaction. So what do I do? Do I throw it all to caution and take the huge leap of faith? And what happens if my faith has dried up and I land with a (painfully) loud thump – head first? What happens if I do go to the scraping and endless ramblings about that damn R20 that was just here (until I remember how the craving of the McFlurry kicked in and I gave in)?

I suppose truth of the matter is: there is no way of knowing how things will turn out regardless of what I do decide to do. There is no sure way of knowing that my obsessive reasons will actually be there long enough for me to carry on holding on to. Truth of the matter comes down to the pen and paper I am puling out to start a long list of pro’s and con’s (just like they forced us to do back in LO – maybe it actually does work) and depending on which side looks most sane, this is the decision I will make of cause pre-faced with a whole lot more consultations with the Grand Provider, the wise parents and the highly esteemed opinion of the beau.

Sunny With A Chance of Rain vs A Turning Wheel

There is something to be said about the period of times that we face. I have heard it being described as a turning wheel (from the famous saying: “the wheel turns”) and im starting to wonder if that’s what it should really be labelled as.

Think about this for a moment: lets agree to take our life time periods as a turning wheel.

We have a period that is all good and everything seems to go our way. During this period, things just seem to ummm follow the right path, fall in to place so as to speak – the sun shines a bit brighter and we manage to maintain that happy step in our walk regardless of it being a Monday or the day when that hectic report is due. We smile a little more and love everything in our world – perfect or not.

Then comes the bad times - which somehow get me thinking of stepping on a piece of gum. Think of how irritating it is to get the gum off your shoe – err without touching it of cause – and yet still managing to have a bit of it still left behind to try keep your shoe grounded rather then move forward so you can finally get to the end of the damn day! We walk around with the whole world on our shoulders weighing us down. And of cause as if that wasn’t enough, we just had to get the speeding fine and mess up the work presentation or even send the terrible e-mail to everyone instead to the one recipient you usually off load on – now everyone knows that you managed to walk around the whole day with a bit of you dress stuck in your underwear!. During this time, someone could offer to take your life and you would gladly trade! And just as you manage to accept that things are to stay like that forever, that wheel does the turning thing and we are right back to the skip ‘n hop in our step and bright sun shines…

And so it carries on with alternating non-ending cycles…

Considering that with both cycles we tend to go through a series of questions such as “why me?” or “could things get any worse”, it makes me wonder if we are not actually willingly setting ourselves up for such things?

Im sure everyone will agree that it’s the bright sunny days that we like better right… but now my pressing question is this: why cant we have a usual sunny day with a chance of scattered thunder showers? That way, we have generally good periods with touches of rain simply because that’s how nature works. We know that the rain is coming at some point so we make it a point to carry an umbrella and maybe even a pair of Wellingtons for the rain puddles. This to me sound far much better then the world-is-ending feeling we experience every time those rain clouds roll in and we are stuck in terrible rain storms. Infact it sounds much better to me then sitting around knowing that all our good times will soon trade places with the bad just because some wheel has to turn!

Allow me to even take it a step further with this: forget about trying to get out of the storm, life is about learning how to dance in the rain (Tamia)

- Happy puddle dancing everyone!

Happly ever after is not real...

Letter:
                                                          Dear_____________
Wow where do I start…

As strange as it may seem but I believe in fairy tales… or at least I used to.

To me what has always made sense was the idea of happily ever after, you know the guy meets girl and falls madly in love with her. He shows her, as impossible as it may sometimes seem - that they belong together. She agrees and they live happily ever after.

Now I have let that idea go with me through life and it has helped me stand up and dust myself off and try again every time when I have had my heart broken. I say it may seem strange, because to many, something like that is impossible. In the tale, the man goes to all lengths for the woman who he loves and he falls in love with every little thing that makes her up. He loves the way she smiles and the way that she looks when she is upset. He falls for the way she gets so worked up over the smallest of things or the way that she cracks up at the most stupid yet insignificant of things. He loves the way she calls him like 10 times a day and never gets tired of it. When she is unhappy he becomes unhappy and when she cries he is always there to hold her tight and tell her that everything will be ok even though to him it may be so clear that they won’t. Life without her is an impossible something to him because he realizes that she forms such a huge part of his life to the extent that without her, he just isn’t. When she says “I love you” everything in his world is ok.

Many have said that something like that is simply what it is meant to be – a fairy tale that will never come true…

… Sadly I am beginning to see what they mean and it hurts.

I’m tired of dusting myself off because my dress has simply gotten too dirty for me to still hold my head up and carry on with no hint of bitterness.

I look back on the last couple of months and I notice how they have been so enveloped around this one man. I thought I liked him but that is simply an under statement. I fell in love.

When we turn bitter, it simply means that we hold on to this one bad experience and even though we may say that we are over it, we really are not. From that point onwards what ever happens along the same line will always be graded on this one experience and no one ever is able to change that. I used to feel so sorry for woman who let things get to that stage yet… I sit here today and I have let the very same thing happen to me. I have finally turned bitter towards men and I doubt if it will be changed or should I rather say – I doubt if I will ever allow anybody to change that.

I woke up this morning and I had this fantasy running in my head where a guy who has been seeing me from a distance for a while now finally approaches me and lays it all out in the open. He tells me from the get go that he thinks I’m amazing and that he now has gathered up enough courage to come up to me and talk to me. He says he wants to get to know me better. I smile. And he says that smile is something he has seen so many times and he has lost count of how many times he has prayed that I will flash him that smile one day…..

Reality hit and I remembered that I have sworn off men for life.

So here is a fairy tale situation that automatically played in my head and here is my heart screaming ENOUGH with a loud speaker.

Looking down at my worn, dirty dress (from all the falling and dusting off) and thinking of how difficult it is for me to find, pick up and put together the pieces of my shattered heart, I unfortunately now finally give up on my idea of a happily ever after and join the masses in saying…

Fairy Tales do not exist…

Signed: a member of the real world