I HATE being sick...

I hate being sick…


Well besides the accompanying terrible earth-open-up-and-swallow-me feeling, it also always leads me here; in a heap on my couch questioning the strangest of concepts and the ever growing yearning to stop the remember-when-you-were-here rehash of the past.

See, I'm not a sick person. I have never spent the night at the hospital and I have managed to go a full 3 years with no medical aid since my medical expenses have honestly been less then R2000.00 (dental work and over the counter remedies included) for those 3 years… yet, every once in a while, those moments do creep up on me when I feel as sick as a dog and where I willingly agree that maybe its time to go see a doctor. When I decide to go see a doctor then you should know its bad!

*sigh* …remember-when-you-were-still-here… I got so sick it scared you. I stayed home for a week, in bed and in a constant state of near tears. You called to check up on me a million times a day and whenever I tried to sound ok on the phone, you always always caught me out and gave it your all in persuading me to take my pills (I hate pills). I knew you were worried when you came over to spend the day with me. You watched me fall in and out of sleep when the damn poison in the pills finally defeated my resistance. And when that very same poison left me feeling worse (before feeling better), you let me fall asleep in your arms and patiently waited for me to wake up.

(wait a minute… is this a new intensity of pain I feel?) *sigh and watery eyes* … lol remember the stupid idea I had to go drinking to celebrate me feeling better? Stupid idea because poison and alcohol just made me sick all over again and once again, you were right there to let me sleep it off in your arms *smile*

Mmmmm see what sickness does to me?

I don’t want to do this anymore. We are done with this part of my book and the damn chapter has been closed! *switch sides to sleep on my left hand side* maybe I should save up for a house instead. Or maybe not. Huuuu *sigh* I wonder if I pray hard enough if Jehovah will grant my all time deepest yearning. Maybe I should quit my job and relocate to Durban…

I suppose the real issue here is trying to find a way to relive me of my memories just for a little while. I hate always ending up here. I hate the damn fantasies of what I would do if you did this… I hate the damn flame burning my hands. I hate my lost love for food and the sad (yet slightly great) fact that my jeans don’t fit me as well as they should. I hate that I cant make time to visit the dentist for my half yearly check up. I hate the stupid question my aunt asked at a freaking funeral (has she no shame) and the fact that she is wondering. I hate the idea of doing all of this all over again.

And I FLIPPIN’ HATE BEING SICK LIKE THIS!!!

5:30pm already and I look like a mess! I have meetings tonight and I cant miss that for a little pain and stupid feelings of a past long gone… I should get dressed and draw a smile on my face if I have to! Time has passed and some things are better off left in the past! Now if I only can get over this damn sickness… anybody have poison for me?

Ps: I do mean pills by poison… I am not suicidal… just sick!

Lets try this again...

so how many times have you fallen and stood up?

sitting in a heap on my bed room floor, i ask this question with the aim of wanting to know how many times i will have to do this again. it seems to me like regardless of how many times we all trip, scream and try to hold on before the loud crashing fall, we always manage to at some point stand up again. EVERYTIME. true for some people it could take a couple of years but with time, it eventually happens.

while on the floor, looking for some grip to help pull me up, i wonder too about my stumbling blocks - the ones that always manage to trip me and i realize, they all form part of the same huge stone. i laugh at the discovery and think like those heros in the lame movies... "to finally rid myself of the falling reflex, i need to get to he source and destroy it forever" (queue the triamphet music and a ray of sun light on the hero's face).
"finally rid myself"... the words echo in my mind while the answer dances around in my head... Answer?
NEVER!!!

see, my stumbling block is not one that can be pushed aside at will or even taken on when feelings of self pity pop around for tea. my block does not stand around like a misplaced object in the middle of a room wondering if it shall get moved. my block, strangly, is not huge and ugly and a mess. No, my stumbling block is  part of me. it comes in a shade that works well with my life decore and hell most of the time it can be passed off as part of the room. my block is small yet powerfull. it screams independence and demands attention... its proud and classic and well is sometimes envied... See MY block is a part of me - an essential part of me.

(i suppose this could explain why my bedroom carpert has become a good place to rest for ever so often i find myself there when my block rears its dominating head)

New plan of action.... I NEED A NEW PLAN OF ACTION before i stand up again so that we could make sure that this time, im up there for a bit longer.
"mmmm bueatifully painted stumbling block... oh how do i get rid of you or atleast make you smaller...??"
*thinking*

Starting to feel a little numb from the hard cold floor, i decide to stand up and leave the "To make stumbling block smaller" plan for another day. i decide to enjoy the stand up and the time i spend up there a bit more before the great war with BLOCK starts again...
untill then... the feeling in side is: IM UP! IM UP! shall we try this again...

signed
GoT

i have found my voice (pen)

it has been since forever.


ladies... (gents too) my life has been transformed and for some time, it seemed like it was for the worst. i am getting better though.

11 months ago at the hight of the best moment ever in my whole 23 years of life, i was knocked off and kept falling for the longest time - it seemed. with a huge thump, i think i have finally hit ground and after more sobs and cursings, i finally managed to stand and dust myself off - and boy has it been good dustings...

i started Musings so that i could share a few thoughts and outlooks but beyond my power, i seemed to be stuck in a huge "writings void" and could not for the life of me, come up with a post that was good enough but i think that has come to an end.

i have stumbeld upon previous writings that i never published on Musings. i want to share these - them and new inspirations that i have so... watch this space...
louds of love
GoT