Unconditional love….

"Imagine two people. One is happy, independent. Complete. Another person comes along who is also happy. Together the energy between them is amazing. They feed off each other and it is almost better than before.

Then out of nowhere, one begins to close off to the other. Maybe they are fearful, maybe they need to be in control, maybe they are wanting more... so they stop giving. The other person may respond by pulling away too. They may begin to mirror what the other is doing -  mirroring the fearful person and in that way they are bringing themselves down to that level… to protect themselves it seems. And then a drama begins with both people fighting for affection, both unwilling to give freely like before. One concludes to only give when the other gives and take away as much as the other takes away…

But in unconditional love...

The person who is less fearful first says "here -  have the energy you want from me. Take it"

Then they intern turn around and refill elsewhere from other things they have happening in their lives – other things that bring them that needed love and joy and completeness. They have no need to fight for that limited source of love. And this means they can give freely without expectation or need of receiving anything back. Sure, they too could start getting a bit fearful and can’t help but want to mirror their partner but this is unconditional love – it sets no conditions. It gives first and carries on doing so. It flourishes when mutual but shines more when tested. That’s where its strength is and so it grows…”

the true Ms Bride

And so while I sit in a pond of growing debt, I cant help but wonder on choices made and on what the important things in life really are.

How is it that we define our happiness on the things we have? What happened to the days when simple was king and bargain was the plan? I suppose things like that were long trodden on by hungry profit makers and those who could not be bothered by the weeklings that gained most from the bargains and the simples.

There are 5 of us near me and while unspoken, I cant help but wonder if the long anticipated excitement was just another page of that fairytale stuff – who was the idiot that started on that ideal anyway?! On the carpet on yet another rainy day, the teacher would sit there and read to us of princess after princess whose biggest concern was some spell and step mother. Why did those stories not come with some sort of disclaimer to say while such concerns where unreal – what was to be expected was far more worse. Someone should have told us – together with other impressions given by such stories – that there would be no fairy godmother to fix, there would be no spell to break and there would defiantly be no prince to take it all away with a kiss. I say someone should have sat us down in the very next class to tell of what we would face instead.

We sat there and had our eyes glaze over at dreams of fairytales of our own. We were allowed to carry on and no one of the adult population dared to pop this bubble. Instead we sat in high school in time consuming guidance lessons on yet another SWOT analysing session (how the hell do I SWOT this!!!????). Somebody should have told us – told ME that I would one day be sitting in this puddle and while the first reaction would be to panic and maybe even try to bury my head in the sand – the best cause of action at this point would be to put on the damn tight swimming cap and hope I did enough breathing techniques to last me through this sea of the damed.

This is no longer a puddle and debt is not my problem! this has become a damn sea of untolds and the key, i hear, is to swim along…

Hi, my name is Ms Bride and I see a bridge to jump off… looking at the other 5, I ask – do you wanna join me?

Find me at the bus stop!

Its been a good 5 months since the “knock” and looking back, I would like to think that I walk towards the exit sign a calmer, more mature psycho then I was going in.
It is said that: what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger… I'm not sure if that is quite correct but I would like to rather put it as: what doesn’t kill us, changes us - and that is what I believe has happened to me.

Granted, my tolerance levels have dropped but, gone are the days when I walked around clueless and less afflicted by my surroundings. Through it all, I managed to come out of all this able to discuss it calmly and still manage to smile honestly. I would like to think that I have become more appreciative and that FINALLY – I realize where my value and valuables are at.

I love the look of confidence that I give to my minders. The look that says: I know you thought I wouldn’t but I did – and while I'm at it – don’t I look great? Lol

No. Honestly, umm I have gone through most of my existence with a band of minders who I know have waited in bated breath for the time when I will rise no more. I have known for some time that, it is not all that smile my way who do so simply as an honest feeling but more like a search to see if I will return a smile back… and well I do – honestly and for the first time it feels good.

Why it happens though is beyond me. Why is it that we thrive on the afflictions of others? Why is it that we wait for our enviers to fall before we feel like we have made it/ that we can make it?

I'm ready.
I'm ready to do honest and straight.
I'm ready to let in essential and remove all dirt – with pride too I may add.

Amongst all the  **** that came in with the “knock”, I have found that it brought a sense of freedom too. Freedom from the things I thought defined me. From the things that I held so tightly to, bounded by the idea that they make me – they didn’t! They don’t! 

A psycho I remain but one with more depth and understanding…  

Now at the brink of yet another different direction I take, I cant help but be filled with the hopes for a better rest of my life. There will be, yes, moments of pure panic (like only I can do them) and tones more tears but I'm sure ill be just fine.

Standing at the street corner waiting for the next ride into new experiences, I have my shoes polished, my lunch packed and a broad smile on my face…

“I will prove them wrong”, I muse.

Time has come for GoT to explore the other side of things and it starts her…

                                Taking the plunge from Miss Ree to a freaking fancy MRS REE!!!

the silly crush...

At exactly 3:30pm every single week day, I would find some reason to pass in front of our gate or be out side doing something I couldn’t explain. This would be coupled with a fresh coat of lip-gloss and a quick run through my hair as I tried hard not to look up before the strategically planed moment to get that eye contact. In my carefully selected outfit and ever so casual look, I waited in bated breath for him to pass.

*Deep breath* there he comes. Down the road he approached and had this thing going on about the way he walked. You know how those slow motion moments are played out in the movies? This was something of the sort and with every step he took, my heart beats faster and I take in the moment of sheer adolescent indulgence.

He walks by with out a word and as soon as he disappears into his yard, I float back into the house to new versions of the ongoing fantasy in my mind when he will finally pass by and say “Hi – what’s up?”

Shooo I would die.

i was 15 and there was a wonderful creation living next door. Crazy how these things work themselves out and thoughts about that now leave me giggling at my crazy 15-year-old self.

Boy am I glad that time is over and done with.

A girl friend and I started chatting on What’sApp and she was going on and on about the crazy bug that bit her. She was mentioning all these possibilities that could happen if this and that were to happen. She animatedly went on about a future that involved this individual and I couldn’t help but giggle at how silly she was sounding. And then, the dreaded thing happened.

I asked “…so what does he say to all these ideas of yours?”

Her answer “…SAY?????? He says nothing! I have never spoken to him!”

My reaction: I laughed so hard and praised the fact that this conversation was over social networking because that allowed me the comfort of laughing my head off at my friend, without her seeing me and simply sending her an LOL knowing her feelings wont be that hurt!

Here was a fully grown women behaving in a way that was identical to the 15 year old me and she didn’t even realise it.

There should be some sort of treatment from crushes as they lead one to behave in crazy ways. There were so many times I did crazy things to get the boy’s attention besides the obvious. The obvious, of course, would be to walk up to him and say hi. I would pass in his gaze a couple of times hoping he would see me and not anything else behind me or in my direction. These sort of things came coupled with thoughts of what-ifs and could-be’s. It kept me happy. If fuelled the fantasies and kept me content.

How is it though that we get like this when it comes to matters of the heart? No one is ever sure about how exactly it should be. We all have some sort of idea yes that we dish out it bucket loads to others but truth be told – there really isn’t a one-solution-for-all-situations kind of thing.

The way I see it, its either there or not. If he keeps passing you by the gate everyday and doesn’t bother to say ‘hi’ (even if for just being polite), then its time to recast the main man in your fantasies… a new guy who will even see you. Of cause this would have been great had someone told 15-year-old me as it would have saved my growing heart from what was to happen a few weeks later followed by even more idiotic versions of my fantasies…

… so on that day, as with the other days, I waited outside for him to pass. This time though he didn’t come alone. He had a GIRL with him. Hand around waist and irritating giggles coming from her as she enjoyed what should have been mine. Oh how my heart broke as I disappeared into our yard with plans of revenge. After I had calmed down, I did the most logical thing…

Fantasy continued: she had blackmailed him and he had no choice but to be with her. Deep down, he wanted me!

Of cause what had happened was obvious: SOMEONE ELSE BEAT ME TO APPROACHING HIM AND SAYING ‘HI’…

Girl on the fence

We have always been told that this is how the order of things goes and we should not rock the boat but comply.

That’s all good and well with things that make sense but as it goes with me - like the other millions of things in my head, I cant help but question this and wonder of my sanity for even wanting to change it.

A girl SHOULD wanna get married and she SHOULD have it in her to take care of the man she loves and help him build a warm home for the both of them. Sure, this girl also does have the choice to remain single and focus on other things and gone are the times when society would frown upon such a decision. What happens though when this said girl simply wants to love her man and skip the whole taking care of him part?

See, here I refer to a girl who although being capable of doing the caring thing, wishes she could rather skip it. Reasons? Fear I suppose. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the women she has to turn out to be when looking at the perfect patrial her mother has set. Why could it not be that girl love her man but stay at her own place and take care of herself ONLY?

Its an awkward place to be yes since all around her all the other girls are doing just what is expected of them. They get married. They bare children. They pine away if not married with anticipation and hope. They firmly stand by the choice to leave it all behind and handle it with simple grace. And then there is this girl that is sitting on the fence – quite comfortably too if I may add. Fence though starts to poke at here when the stares and frowns make her shift around uncomfortably realizing that she has to make a choice that she will have to stick with for a life time: love her man AND take care of him OR leave it all behind and run at it alone forever.

Imagine the looks when girl gets off the fence….

In under tones they whisper and point wondering why she has decided on that side of the fence. It becomes the talk of the town and there is such an unnecessary vibe around the side of the fence girl is walking around on. What happens next shocks the masses the most…

Girl climbs back on the fence and sits…

(see girl needed a glass of water and she got down to go get. As to the side of the fence she decided to jump into to get the water – well that was all depending on which side she was facing when she got extremely thirsty…)

The crazy hype that just happens goes on to prove my point and make my resolve super difficult - We have always been told that this is how the order of things goes and we should not rock the boat but comply.

All I can do at this point is fight hard the urge to rock the damn boat and hope everyone else holds on really tight!