Conflicted conversations

“…I can do this,” I whisper to myself. It simple actually. I will play dumb, enjoy it and be oblivious to the consequences that may follow. And why the hell shouldn’t i? I don’t think she lost any sleep wondering of whether she should or she should not. She went for it, loved it and even though it all blew up in her face a little while later, fact still remains that she did it anyway!


I clime into bed and the strangest sensation takes over. It feels like I’m an onlooker while my situation is being discussed lengthily by 2 friends I seem to have picked up some where during the course of last year.

“let me be the first one to admit that you sure do have the um… tools to pull off such a thing. But again, let me be the first too to remind you that you are not that kind of girl!” HABIT starts off his argument.

“and how would you now what kind of girl she is?”, CINDY throws back, “when all you have done is show up only when invited. I’ve been here you idiot. I saw, felt and lived through what this did to her and I stand firm on the ideal that she would be doing herself a world of good taking this on even if its just to bring her back from the pitiful state she has become”, CINDY carries on in a presence I have come to love.

She is right you know. If I where to put all my inhabitations aside, I could pull this off! Hell, I have succeded in laying the ground work so far and the thought of how much I enjoyed doing that makes me smile a little.

“Can I do this?” I ask , looking around as if someone could be listening in on the conversation I’m having with myself.

I shut my eyes tight, desperately trying to stop the thoughts running through my mind. See, together with CINDY, they are holding up big signs with the phrases “ITS YOUR TURN NOW”, “YOU DESERVE IT”, “IT WILL DO YOU GOOD” and one that seems to be a little more aggressive since it says “STOP being a wimp!” Cindy puts her hand on my shoulder and whispers hard facts that I too have come to realize. The fact that in this day and age, the good that you try and do, simply gets thrown right back in your face. The fact that regardless of how much risks you avoid, crap still happens to all of us so why the freaking hell do you not just join the masses.

“mmmm this CINDY seems to mean business” I silently comment. As much as her tough approach seems a little intimidating, she sure does make good arguments. What has all the careful planning and good brought me anyway? All I found at the end of that worthless cause are conversations I seem to animatedly hold with myself and my alter egos - who even though come down to being me, are so different from each other. I played by the rules. I helped people. I sat back and waited for it to be my turn and what do I have to show for it besides tears and a best friend named CINDY?

“I Can Do This, I Will Do this” I loudly conclude as I drift off into dream land. Strangely, that conclusion is very comforting even though I know very well that all this can change in the morning when CONSCIENCE wakes up…