- That terrible habit that has become my friend is sucking me dry of the will to carry on…So I guess even long time habits do turn against you too – what doesn’t vele these days?
Forgive my contradiction for a moment and listen to my thoughts…
My bad habit has been with me for close to 8 months now and having seen that I cant get rid of it (and man have I tried), I started taking it as a friend. Habit started feeling comfortable – like an old friend. At times, when it seemed to not be around, I would invite it and ask it to even stay longer then allowed. We laughed and cried and even finished a wine bottle too once. Habit made me smile and had me feeling good- really good. There were times when I missed habit when it was not around cause see, my habit – which is my secret alone – had to some extent become my shoulder to lean on, my pillar of strength when I required and sometimes even a companion when it seemed like everyone else was not seeing my silent pleading for help. Habit listened and advised. Habit entertained and consoled. My habit was there on those nights (and days) when I got lonely and sometimes even comforted me and stayed up with me till I fell asleep when I thought the nightmares were too bad. Habit always lingered near by. Habit was always there when my friends went home and even when I went out – I was sure to always come home and find habit sitting, waiting and willing to listen to the stories that I had to tell – habit loved them!
…and 8 months later habit seems to also have an agenda against me too.
Instead of calm chats, habit shouts. Its words hurt and when I call out, it doesn’t respond. Habit kicks and screams and tears down. Habit doesn’t seem to recognise the hurt it cause or the confusion it leaves me with. Habit lies and deceives me – gone are the once calm encouragements and promises are left unfulfilled.
Habit keeps me awake at night, wondering what went wrong.
Habit hates me and I cant seem to understand why.
Habit is drowning me and has taken away any desire for everything…
If you are reading this, please tell habit to come back. Please tell habit that I didn’t mean to. Tell habit please that whatever it is that I did to upset it – I’m Sorry
Tell habit please, if you see it, that: if it too leaves… I'm not sure if I can carry on.
- Girl on Top
